Okay I had an absoultely amazing day today. At first, I thought I'd be too tired to make it through. And then I realized, it's okay. I'm here. I'm present. Still tired though. Then my sociology teacher gave this amazing lecture...about gemeinshaft and gellschaft. In English how society has changed from close-knit communities to a self-interested, manipulative society, full of fleeting relationships. I was amazed. Because we have been born into a self-interested society, where our motivations are purely bred on how we can advance ourselves and how can we survive. And I realized that it's no wonder everyone is so lonely. Because we've all grown up in a society, where we can never be sure if people really care or if they have other motivation (which isn't to say there's not an exception to the rule...I can think of one or two). And it's not just that we're no longer able to face the truth. The truth within ourselves. We're repressed. It's hard to find a core identity because, it's almost like we've never had one. That we've lost ourselves in association instead of friends. What people can do for us rather than what we can share and learn from one another. Needless to say it struck a cord with me, and all day I've been amazed at how we no longer see this as a problem, mainly becasue we've grown so accoustomed to it. Woosh! As Gloria, would say. So I came up with this marvelous thought. What if I could change that about myself? What if I could start by being truthful with myself as well as others? How much would be gained by just trusting and being trustworthy? Wouldn't it make a difference to show people that you truly care? And I realize that not many people can change or know how to,or even want to. But for some reason, I feel the need to lift that sort of repression, that terrible lonliness I think that has been present my whole life. And maybe being altruistic (aren't you proud david?...i used a big vocab word...correctly) isn't the answer, but can't we find some way inbetween. Maybe just by letting people in, despite the pain that can be involved, we will live a much more enlightened life. A life on a higher existence than any we've known previously. Yeah, I know I'm rambling, but it somehow all make sense in my head. Things about myself I never truly could comprehend, until this realization dawned on me today. Whoosh! Hahaha. Then I had class with Dr.Doug again, which I always find fascinating. I was overwhelmed with all there is to learn in the world. Knowledge was a definite theme of today. Then I had lunch with Stephen Coyne, and poor dear I know he likes me, but I'm beyond dating at the moment. I'm beyond seeking some kind of companion, other than friends of course, to help me heal with the pain and regret and to make it through everyday life. A compainion to fill the void. I've come to realize how deceptive those relationships can be. The lies we tell ourselves. The lies we tell when we don't know how to deal with ourselves. We want to find someone who can take care of us and can save us. I wanted that. The all-consuming love. But I don't anymore, not after today. It all starts on the inside. Fixing what's broken. Maybe fixing things that were never there. And I don't want to be saved, because it's not fair. It's unreasonable. You can't be two people as one...you have to be two seperate people who care, love each other enough to try sharing that trust and who might just find something lasting. A relationship I hope someday to be able to have. And I'd like to tell you that I'm ready for that. Or that ones I love are. But it's a hard concept to take in, and an even harder one to apply. But I've taken the first steps...every journey begins with them. And for the first time in a long time. I didn't feel empty. I didn't feel that void. I didn't feel lacking. I was enjoying the moment I was in. Living in the present. Even during lab today, that shop to some of you, I was extremely contented to be helping, to be focused, to be geniuly intersted in what others said, to be learning. Seriously, the four hours I spent in there flew by. I found solace in the work I was doing. And I was touched to find that maybe my hardwork, and infectous good nature and willingness to help, had made some kind of impact on others. I found respect today. I found that by caring and looking at the world instead of being locked in my own, I had my own little kind of community. One I never fully realized was there. That if I was ever really in need I could find help. You know I didn't even mind the fact that I was at school from 7:45 am to 10:45 pm. I lived today. And life has so much to offer.
Current Mood: 
grateful
Current Music: Mozart becasue classical music rocks as i'm discovering
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creative
indescribable
energetic
calm
Still sleepy but happy
worried
contemplative
content but not complacent